Help Me Remember
by forgetyouinsiberia
Summary: Four years after the loss of her brother, Aria is still dealing with him not being around. Ezria. Based on a true story...sorta.


**A/N: **Don't you just love my author's notes at the beginning of every new story?

Okay, so this story is, in a way, inspired by true events. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I love/adore/gently stalk (that last part was a joke) Cady Groves. The girl has written songs that have hit me in places that I don't think other artists have managed to do just yet. (Although I'm holding Lucy to that standard…) Anyhow, for those of you who don't know who she is, her album is due out later this year. (SO EXCITED). Anyhow, this little pint-sized girl (I'm serious. She's so short and tiny, if you blinked, you'd miss her. She's smaller than my girl Lights.)

Anyhow, Miss Cady had a brother named Casey. Why do I say had, you ask? Let me explain…. Well in a roundabout way. Casey was Cady's older brother, whom, from what I can gather, the sibling she was closest to. He was killed about five years ago, and Cady has made it pretty clear that his death still affects her. (google Casey Groves, and you'll find just about anything you want to know on his death.)

As it is, Cady made a tweet tonight (July 31st…actually it might've been last night. I was just reading them earlier.) about a song by Rascal Flatts, and it got me thinking. Anyhow, I won't go any further into it, as the story about her brother will funnel into this one. I will say this though: **I do NOT take death as a writing subject, lightly. **My cousin died about a year after her brother, and his death has heavily affected my family as he was only 18. I suppose in a way, this is also my way of coping with that.

_Help Me Remember_

She could still remember the distant sound of screaming in her ears from that day as she dug the nails of her tiny fingers into the palms of her hands. It was freezing out today, and her leather jacket was doing nothing to help, even though her hands were buried into her pockets as deeply as possible. The ground was cold against her knees as she pulled a hand from her pocket and reached out to wipe away a fallen, dead leaf off the marble stone.

It had been cold. The first snowfall of the year had already come and there were drifts on the road. She remembered how the air had bitten her skin as she ran out of the photography studio. Her chest had felt like it was caving in, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't breathe in.

She couldn't remember how she'd gotten the bruise on her face, pulling her car door open, or how cold the metal had been on her hands. She couldn't remember shivering as her fingers had curled into fists, punching at everything in sight until the outsides of her hands had bruises.

She remembered the song on the radio as it she finally realized that the screaming she was hearing was coming from her, and had she'd thrashed back and forth in her seat as hot tears ran down her cold, red cheeks.

And then there were a blur of people that she had worked with, coming out from the studio and asking her what she was so upset about. She wasn't the kind of person that had random outbursts that she'd had that day, and they knew something was wrong. But as she was pulled from her car that day, she remembered how she didn't want to feel their hands on her arms. She didn't want to hear their soothing words of how everything would be okay, because they weren't him.

The wind blew, sending her hair up in a flurry behind her as she stared at the carving of his face into the shining stone. She ran her fingers through the lining of the stone where his name had been carved into it. She didn't want to leave, but she had stupidly made plans to meet up with Spencer and Hanna.

"Hey babe? It's gonna start pouring soon."

Aria looked up at Ezra and nodded as two small drops fell onto her face. She bit on her bottom lip as she placed her hands on her knees and pushed herself up from the ground. She walked over to Ezra and leaned into him as she stared at the marble stone a bit longer. His hand slipped under jacket, warm from a heat packet he'd had in his glove, as he ran his fingers against the base of her spine.

He nuzzled his nose against her temple and then kissed the side of her head.

"I can't believe it's been four years," she murmured. She looked down at the sapphire ring on her finger and brushed her thumb underneath the band, turning it lightly on her finger.

A rush of wind blew by, and a few moments later, they could hear the rain coming. Aria sighed and shook her head before turning to Ezra. "We should go."

They turned and rushed back to the car, making it into the safety of it before the rush of water began to flood down. Ezra started the car, and looked over at Aria as it purred with life. She had her head turned towards the stone thirty feet away. He reached over and rubbed his hand over her knee, bringing her attention back to the present.

"I hate today," she said as she turned to look back at him.

Ezra nodded, moving his hand to the gearshift to put the car into drive.

The knot in Aria's chest stiffened like a charley horse, tightening until it started to wane a few moments later as they pulled out of the cemetery, and onto the road.

"_I hate being here, Mike," Aria murmured as she stirred her straw in her cup of coffee. "Mom and dad-" _

"_Mom and dad are living in a world that doesn't exactly open its arms to something that's different from the norm. **Don't **let that be the reason that you two break up," her brother replied. "I know Ezra loves you, and you love him." _

_Aria rolled her eyes and shook her head, though there was the slightest smile playing on her face. "That's easy for you to say. Mom and dad **loved **Gabrielle when you brought her home the first time. Dad **punched **Ezra." _

_Mike shook his head, reaching across the table and laying his hand over hers. "It doesn't matter. Don't let them tell you what you can do about your love life. If you let them do that, they'll think they can tell you what to do with the rest of your life." _

_He reached onto the table and grabbed his buzzing phone. He pressed the button on the top of it, silencing it before looking up at the clock. "Crap, I gotta go meet with my lawyer." He looked back at Aria and smiled. "Stay happy, Aria. Fight for what you want, whether it's Ezra, or…. I don't know. Dancing on a pole."  
_

"_EW!" Aria squealed, though they were both laughing. _

_Mike grinned, laughing with her. "I know, but I'm making a point! Choose the life you want. Screw anyone else who tries to tell you how to live it." _

Aria turned her martini glass on the counter, watching the olive turn in the bottom as she looked around the room. Twenty-two year-olds weren't supposed to be able to get this drunk, but she couldn't focus on anything else. She kept thinking back to the hours after that phone call. How she'd gotten home and hid in her room, under the blankets. She'd thrown her phone at the wall and watched the back fall off and the battery fall out when she'd gotten sick of the calls. The knot in her chest was unending.

She settled her glass back on the counter and looked back at the bartender before pointing to her glass. He walked down the bar and grabbed the glass.

"You sure you want another, Aria?"

She looked up at him. "Just pour, Jason."

She turned back around and looked around the bar.

_The door creaked behind her, but she made no move to come out from under her blankets as soft footsteps moved across the room. A moment later, her blankets were pulled back, and large, warm hands wrapped around her waist. _

_She clenched her eyes shut tightly as several large tears ran down her face. A sob escaped her throat as she turned into the comforts of his warmth. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, dropping against the bed with Ezra lying next to her as she cried into the collar of his shirt. _

_He rubbed his hands up and down her back, whispering soothing words to her, even after all the energy she had was gone, and she was simply lying next to him, limp and exhausted, but wide awake. _

"_He's dead, Ezra," she murmured with a shaking voice. _

_He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "I know, baby." _

She yanked her heel off her foot as she struggled to keep her balance. It was pouring outside, and there was mud everywhere, but she didn't give a damn.

"Aria, c'mon. You're gonna get hurt."

She shoved Jason away, kicking her other shoe off her foot before she leaned down to pick it up. The ground was cold and wet, and the rain was wiping out the footprints her feet left in the mud. "Leave me alone!"

He huffed, shaking his head at her. A moment later, he looked up. "Thank god."

Ezra walked over to them, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I wasn't intending to be so long."

"She's gonna hurt herself if she doesn't get inside," Jason replied.

Ezra nodded, looking down at Aria. "Aria-"

"I said leave me alone!" She slurred.

Ezra chased after her as she stalked away from him and grabbed her arm. His feet slipped, searching for purchase on the wet ground. As he steadied, he turned her to face him. "Aria, please. Let me-'

"Leave. Me. Alone!"

She shoved his hand off of her arm and continued walking. Ezra knew better than to stop her, but he didn't want to leave her alone either.

He sighed and walked several feet behind her, following her down several streets. He already knew where they were going before they had arrived.

The ground was sodden and their feet made noise as they each walked through the grass to the cemetery. The fact that it was after midnight and dark outside meant nothing to her. It wasn't the first time she'd navigated her way through the dark. It wasn't even the first time she'd done it in the dark drunk.

As she came to stand in front of it, she dropped to her knees, shaking from the cold. The rain had soaked through her long-sleeved shirt, and was quickly soaking through her jeans.

"Why, Mike?" She sobbed. "I **needed **you! I still need you!"

Her entire body shook as she wrapped her hands around the marble stone and clenched it under her fingers. It wasn't the same though. Grabbing his arms was like grabbing velvet steel. Hard as rock underneath his skin, but soft to the touch. And always warm.

She rested her head against her hands as she knelt there, shaking from the sobs that rocked through her body. The knot in her chest was gone, relieved by the tears, but also replaced by the ache from her outcry and exhaustion.

"I need you," she whimpered. "I need you to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. To be at my wedding." Her bottom lip trembled as she stared at the picture of him on the stone, shone by the moonlight behind her. "Ezra needs his best man."

She looked around the dark graveyard as tears rolled down her face. "Come home, Mike," she cried. "**Please **come home."

She sat there a while longer. It may have only been a few minutes, or an hour; she wasn't quite sure. But at some point, Ezra walked up and helped her up from the ground. He wrapped his jacket around her shoulders and wrapped his arm around her as they walked back towards the bar.

"_You know mom and dad would kill me if they knew you were here with me," Mike said as he handed her a glass of scotch. _

_Aria rolled her eyes, tipping the glass back. "Please, we got drunk almost every weekend in Iceland. Who cares about a few glasses of scotch?" _

"_Oh, I don't know," Mike replied. "Possibly your boyfriend, if you get plastered like last time and let the single guys hit on you."_

Aria shook her head. "They're all pigs."

"_And that's what I like to hear," Ezra said as he walked up. He and Mike high-fived and then he walked up to Aria and wrapped an arm around her waste as he took a drink from the beer in his hand. _

"All he ever wanted was to get away from her and find something better," Aria whispered as they walked; her voice strained from crying.

Ezra nodded, rubbing his hand up and down her bicep. "I know, hon."

She looked up at him. "How?"

He looked down at her and shrugged, smiling sadly. In between the flooding raindrops, she could see tears in his eyes. "He once told me that he wanted what we had, and he knew that he didn't have it with anyone else."

They arrived back at the car a moment later, and he opened the passenger door for her before walking around the car and getting into the driver's seat. Aria rubbed her hands together and blew on them after pulling her seatbelt on.

Ezra started the car, and the stereo kicked in.

"**just for the night, one last time  
****One more good memory  
****When I look back,  
****That's what I want to see**

**Oh, help me remember  
****those days that were so good  
****those nights that we held, held on forever  
****when we were pretending  
****we were as filled as we felt…"**

Her eyes drifted shut and her jaw clenched as tears ran down her face.

_Her phone buzzed in her pocket as she settled her camera on a table. She stepped away from where the photographer was taking photos and pulled her phone from her pocket. The screen read with her mother's name. _

_She pushed the arrow across the screen and then lifted the phone to her ear and stepped away from the workers. She let out a soft sigh, hoping that the fighting would end once and for all._

"_Hey, what's up?" She asked. _

_There was silence on the other end of the phone. After a moment, Ella spoke. "Aria…" Her voice trembled. _

"_What?" Aria asked. "What's wrong?" _

"_Mike…" Her mother's voice was soft, still shaking. She could practically hear the tears in her voice. "Gabrielle…she…" _

_Her ability to breathe or even comprehend anything faded away around her as she looked around her for the exit. She could hear her mother telling her to come home as soon as she could, but the words didn't register. _

_She walked out of the building, camera forgotten as she made her way to her car, yanking the door open and getting inside. She shoved her keys into the ignition and threw her phone into the passenger seat before looking around the car. _

_Her emotions, awareness, ability to feel…everything was heightened. Just yesterday he'd been telling her to shoot for her dreams. Have everything she wanted with Ezra, in her life, whatever. And more. She looked down as the radio kicked in. _

"_**one last time  
**__**one more good memory  
**__**when I look back,  
**__**that's what I wanna see**_

_**this could be the last time  
**__**I look in your eyes**_

_**help me remember  
**__**the way that we used to be  
**__**when nothing else mattered  
**__**cause you were in love with me  
**__**help me remember…"**_

_And she could hear it. The deafening scream piercing her ears as she pounded her fists against the passenger seat and the steering wheel. This wasn't real. She was going to go home and Mike was going to be at the house. He was leaving Gabrielle. He was going to help her talk to her parents. He wasn't gone. _

Her eyes opened, and she reached over to place her hand on the volume button before Ezra could, stopping him from turning it off.

"Aria," he said tentatively.

"He would've told me that I needed to listen to what it was telling me," she said with fresh tears in her eyes. She whimpered as the smallest smile presented on her face. "And he would be pissed that I spent tonight the way I did. He wasn't the kind of person to reject what was right in front of him."

Ezra curled his fingers into her hand, squeezing it lightly. "I wish he could be here for you. I know how much it means to you."

She shook her head as tears rolled down her face. "I wish he was here all the time, but he's not coming back." Her chest caved repeatedly as sobs silently made their way through her body. "But he's not coming back, and I'm not ready to leave here yet."

She looked down at their hands, brushing her thumb against the back of his. "I'm afraid of the day that will come when I stop saying I need him here."

"That'll **never** happen," Ezra whispered insistently as he squeezed her hand. "Never."

Aria looked back up at him. "Promise."

Ezra nodded. "I swear."

Aria looked down at the buttons just below her fingers. She pressed the small plus button and leaned back in her seat, closing her eyes and letting the good memories flood her as she listened to the music.

_One more good memory  
__When I look back, that's what I wanna see  
__Help me remember the way that it used to be…_


End file.
